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Vì sao anh trở thành 1 diễn viên hài độc thoại _ stand up comedian

June 9, 2010

Lâu rồi anh không viết gì. Lí do nói ra thì dài dòng, nhưng kể ngắn cũng được: anh lười. Cách dẫn chuyện lãng xẹt này anh chôm từ “Phi Vũ Mỹ Điệp truyện” – Tấn-giáo-chủ-hầu-hạ-phát-mệt và Minh-đại-đế-quyền-năng-vô-đối cùng nhau chấp bút. Thực ra thì anh chôm rất nhiều thứ từ bộ truyện này, vì 1 lẽ đơn giản: anh mê truyện này lắm lắm lắm luôn!!! Về văn chương và óc hài hước, trong mắt anh không có nhà văn VN nào đủ cửa so sánh với 2 bạn này, dù 2 bạn không phải nhà văn. Nếu có thì chỉ có Thịnh Takez.

Có điều anh này làm thiết kế nội thất, cũng đéo phải nhà văn either.

Nhưng kệ. Bạn nào đẻ ra khoảng những năm 80 đến 85, đã từng trải qua thời kéo nhau ra tiệm chơi “Mario hái núm”, dành tiền mua Đôrêmon lần xuất bản đầu tiên, mượn bạn mấy tập 7 viên ngọc rồng in photocopy có trước khi nxb bán để coi trước Sôngôku quất Fide kiểu nào, hoặc trải qua đợt chen lấn mua kem đánh răng đến gãy tay để đổi vé xem Jang Dong Gun hát hụt hơi bài “You’re my everything” với Phương Thanh, bạn sẽ yêu thích PVMĐT. Đây là 1 bộ truyện hài văn chương kiếm hiệp manga trường phái tè le tùm lum nhưng rất logic, đồng thời chứa đựng rất rất nhiều chi tiết văn hóa  lịch sử quen thuộc, nói theo kiểu gì đó không biết nhưng nghe rất style “chứa rất nhiều pop culture”. Các bạn nên coi để biết anh là người như thế nào, vì có 1 câu gì đã nói “hãy cho tôi biết anh đọc gì khi đi ị, tôi sẽ cho anh biết anh là người chịu thúi siêu đẳng tới cỡ nào”

Hồi đầu, anh vô Yahoo Ba Trăm Sáu Mươi Độ nuôi mộng tính làm hot blogger vì nghĩ mình viết hài lắm, nhưng sau khi đọc PMMĐT rồi đọc thêm blog các anh Tấn, Minh, Nam và Takez thì thấy nhục nhã vô cùng, cho nên anh buông phím không viết nữa. Anh chuyển qua viết bằng miệng, tức là diễn stand up, chứ không phải học theo thầy Nguyễn Ngọc Ký đâu. Mà thầy dùng chân, anh dùng miệng, cho nên chuyện không có liên quan với nhau có điều lỡ viết rồi bấm backspace để xoá thì lười quá nên anh viết thêm đoạn này mà không thèm chấm phẩy cho mấy bạn đọc hụt hơi chơi vậy đó há há ráng chịu nha. Nói chung anh là 1 thằng rất dở hơi, nhưng mà ai chơi được thì vẫn thấy đúng anh dở hơi thiệt, nhưng lỡ chơi rồi hiếm ai chịu rút ra lắm. Âu cũng là bản tính con người. Thôi quay lại vụ stand up

Anh theo nghề stand up comic – hài độc thoại này thiệt ra có nhiều lí do. Lí do đầu tiên là vì anh rất insecure. Dịch sao ta: anh rất thiếu an toàn? Không hẳn. Anh luôn xài bao.

Trừ 1 lần hứng quá làm liều thôi, may không có hậu quả gì.

Dịch chính xác nhất, anh là 1 người bấp bênh. Mà bấp bênh là bản chất của comedian rồi các bạn ạ. Comedians are very insecure. Anh cũng insecure, nên anh đi làm comic. Cái nào có chữ tiếng Anh là anh khoái à. Tây nghe đã đã. Dân VN cũng vậy. Rất mê Tây. 1 bầy VN đang nói chuyện, xuất hiện 1 thằng tây loại 3, 4 – tương đương loser theo tiêu chuẩn của Tây – nhưng ngay lập tức chúng ta biến thành chó cún, xun xoe rối rít trước mặt bọn nó bằng những câu không có ý nghĩa gì cả “Do you like Vietnam? What do you think about Vietnamese girsl? Do you plan to stay here? Can I do something to entertain you?” Dĩ nhiên bọn nó dại gì không tận dụng lòng hiếu khách của chúng ta, vì chỉ cần nói vài câu là đủ cho chúng ta khóc huhu mà hớp từng lời của bọn nó rồi.

Bọn thực dân rất hay nói câu này

Không phải anh ghét Tây. Anh rất thích Tây là khác. Anh thích Paris, Ý, thích đủ thứ của bọn nó

Đặc biệt gái Tây

Anh thích vì bọn nó nhiều cái hay quá. Nhưng anh không thích thái độ chó cún của người VN đối với Tây. Thích nó vì nó giỏi khác với run sợ mà nghĩ là vì nó là Tây nên nó gì cũng đúng. Thôi tạm gác ở đây chuyện này.

Cung hoàng đạo của anh là Libra, hình cái cân, biểu tượng cho sự cân bằng, trong khi thực sự về hình thể lẫn tinh thần của anh đều rất ít cân bằng. Tinh thần của anh rất mông lung. Anh luôn suy nghĩ nhiều thứ, ví dụ làm sao vừa đi ỉa vừa đọc sách mà vẫn nhìn được cái xe đang khóa trước nhà vì khu nhà anh quan hệ hàng xóm láng giềng, đường xá, con người ….cái gì cũng tệ được có cái ăn trộm thì rất là giỏi, sơ sẩy gì là mất cái đấy.

Nhưng sao trinh tiết anh để rất hớ hênh thì không con nào thèm trộm?

Thế chất của anh thì lại càng bấp bênh. Anh lùn, không đẹp trai, tay anh bị tật. Nhưng có 1 thứ anh luôn khát khao, anh luôn ước ao, làn da nâu, làn da nân, làn da nâu như…chết cha anh quá đà xin lỗi mấy bạn. Thực ra anh cũng thích da nâu lắm mấy bạn ạ, da anh trắng quá nhìn không men lỳ chút nào cả. Nhưng cái đó không có liên quan ở đây. Cái anh muốn nói là, anh thích cảm giác được người khác tôn trọng, nể phục. Phải gọi là khát khao mới đúng. Từ nhỏ anh đã mê được khen ngợi rồi.

Tấm này chụp lúc anh chui ra sau khi bác sĩ vỗ tay tán thưởng đó mấy bạn

Mẫu giáo, lớp 1, lớp 2 một mình anh đã đóng kịch 2,3 nhân vật trước lớp cho mọi người xem. Lớp 4 anh làm múa rối điện cho bọn trong xóm xem, xếp giấy gẫy tay rồi cầm đèn chiếu bóng đèn múa máy tay chưng tốn điện vô cùng mà bọn kia chỉ đơn giản tới xem xong nhấc đít đi về không khen 1 câu. Lớn lên chút anh mộng làm ca sĩ, để rồi năm lớp 9 sau bao nỗ lực lốp by không mỏi mệt anh đã được hát tiếng Anh trước toàn trường vào giờ chào cờ (dĩ nhiên không phải hát quốc ca), nhưng lúc đó anh bể giọng nên hát rất gớm, sau này gặp 1 thằng côn đồ trong trường nó không ngại ngần mà khen anh thực lòng

“Mày hát như cặc”

Lần đó anh nín nhịn rất giỏi để khỏi đánh lộn vì anh sợ chết lắm _ anh hồi nhỏ rất là không lớn con. Nhưng có 1 số giới hạn anh không vượt qua được. Đó là thể chất. Anh lùn, anh không đẹp trai, nên anh không có cửa thành ca sĩ. Không tưởng tượng nổi có ngày Kênh 14 đăng bài “Cùng nhau thưởng thức những hình ảnh rất hot của Dưa Leo trong album đầu tay nhe các teen”. Anh lại bị tật nên cũng không thể thi vào Cao Đẳng sân khấu khi tiêu chuẩn đầu tiên nộp đơn vào trường là “ngoại hình bình thường không bị dị tật”. Vì vậy, có 1 thời gian anh buồn lắm các bạn ạ. Anh đâu muốn sống cuộc đời không ai tán thưởng đâu, anh nghiện tiếng vỗ tay lắm mà. Thời may, rất rất chi là may mắn luôn, anh xem được 1 clip của Pablo Francisco

Thế giới mới mở ra trước mắt anh. Loại hình này quá hợp với anh. Nhưng cũng phải tốn mấy năm để anh có đủ can đảm theo đuổi loại hình này. Mấy năm đủ để anh nhận ra chân lý: ai cũng chỉ sống có 1 đời, vậy tại sao không làm thứ mình thích và có khả năng? Vậy nên giờ các bạn đã có anh, stand up comedian nói tiếng Việt chính hiệu của Việt Nam.

Có 1 điều này anh cũng muốn nói. Nếu các bạn không tôn trọng anh, anh cũng sẽ không tôn trọng các bạn. Anh rất khó chịu khi bất cứ ai nhỏ tuổi hơn anh mà cứ kêu anh bằng “thằng cha Dưa Leo này, tên Dưa Leo này, thằng này thằng nọ…” Anh đã tôn trọng các bạn, hy vọng các bạn cũng thế. Nhớ cái này. Anh cười nhiều nhưng điều đó không đồng nghĩa với vui tính và dễ tính. Anh rất khó tính là khác.

Thôi anh đi ngủ đây. Tạm biệt các bạn. Hẹn gặp thứ 7 hàng tuần tại Lít Cà Phê.

136 Comments leave one →
  1. June 9, 2010 1:55 am

    Em hông đi nghe stand up comedy thì ngồi coi sit down comedy cũng đc ;))
    Nhìu swear words quá nhe, làm sao thích hợp với các bé gái??!

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:07 pm

      a viết cho người nào thích đọc chứ a không viết cho bé gái e à

  2. June 9, 2010 2:13 am

    thiếu phần tại sao lấy stagename là dưa leo :))

    cái này cần dc lưu lại sau này có nổi tiếng đưa lên báo cho nó dễ ;))

    e thích standup comedy, mà standup comedy bằng TV nữa thì ko có gì là bằng….có thể sau này standup comedy sẽ thịnh hành, cũng có thể nó ko bao giờ dc chấp nhận ở VN, nhưng cũng cám ơn a đã dám đi tiên phong trong thể loại này…hy vọng a sẽ đạt dc như ý trong tương lai🙂 good luck

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:08 pm

      trù ẻo hả e b-(

  3. siriusstar permalink
    June 9, 2010 2:36 am

    Chú Leo nói hết cái này trong lần diễn kế tiếp đê😀

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:16 pm

      dĩ nhiên mình sẽ nói rồi bạn Đơ à, nhưng mà từ từ xD

  4. June 9, 2010 8:08 am

    Công nhận hơi của S dài thiệt, Đ hụt hơi mấy lần :))

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:17 pm

      chỉ là type ra thôi, đâu có nói đâu mà dài xD

  5. June 9, 2010 10:09 am

    Chừng nào em vô trong đó nữa nhứt định sẽ đi coi anh chửi đời nha😀

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:17 pm

      okie a đợi e luôn : x

  6. Anonymous permalink
    June 9, 2010 11:52 am

    tang boc cha MD qua suc..

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:18 pm

      đúng là Mun : ))

  7. khanZ permalink
    June 9, 2010 4:55 pm

    😄

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:18 pm

      xD

  8. Cu Bi permalink
    June 9, 2010 8:56 pm

    “mày hát như …”
    ôi trời ơi =))

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:18 pm

      cười giề :-w

  9. LavenderBui permalink
    June 9, 2010 9:56 pm

    ^^, biết được thế mạnh của mình, biết mình muốn làm gì, sẽ thành gì,…là một thành tựu vô cùng to lớn trong mỗi người rùi. bravo!

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 10, 2010 4:18 pm

      thank kiu

  10. June 10, 2010 11:35 pm

    haha, thik đoạn đầu và cúi nhưng hay đọc lại đoạn giữa :))

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 11, 2010 2:35 pm

      a viết xong toàn đọc comment :”>

  11. stt permalink
    June 12, 2010 1:59 pm

    hello bạn Dưa leo, đọc blog bạn cười wa’ chời. mà bạn có gọi người nào lớn tuổi hơn bạn = “thằng cha xxx này, tên xxx này, thằng này thằng nọ…” bao giờ chưa? thằng nào nói láo ăn cháo = hậu m*n nhé ;))

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 13, 2010 1:41 am

      rồi, khi tui hoàn toàn không tôn trọng họ : )

  12. June 15, 2010 11:24 am

    Tỉu muội cũng có đọc cái Phi Vũ Mỹ Điệp Truyện gần đây, mà chỉ tìm dc 7 hồi thôi. Đại ca biết có hồi 8 hay là chưa, tung tích ở đâu nhớ báo cho tiểu muội biết. Trăm sự nhờ đại ca, cáo từ!

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 15, 2010 1:52 pm

      phần 7 kết thúc ở chuyến tàu đi Matxcơva phải 0 mụi? Nếu vậy thì mụi đã tới hết truyện rồi đó, vì tác giả dừng bút lâu rồi : (

  13. lusman permalink
    June 15, 2010 11:59 pm

    Hề hề, cười cười coi mà cười😀

  14. June 22, 2010 3:23 pm

    Mình rất thích Ellen Degeneres ^^ Khi xem clip đầu tiên của anh mình thực sự rất hào hứng vì lần đầu tiên thấy một standup comedian của Việt Nam. Dưa Leo cố lên nha, ủng hộ anh đó.

    À, đây là clip inspired mình, từ đó mình ghiền luôn thể loại này. (Khúc đầu thôi, khúc sau bả quảng cáo hơi bị nhảm)

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 22, 2010 5:06 pm

      thank e😡. Ellen Degeneres thì nổi tiếng quá rồi, cái này là show truyền hình của bả mà, dĩ nhiên phải có quảng cáo thôi : D

  15. Hắt Xì permalink
    June 23, 2010 11:50 pm

    E yêu a rồi a dưa leo ơi !!!!!!!!!! lit cafe ở đâu , (đừng có ham , e là con trai he he)

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      June 24, 2010 12:20 am

      vậy đừng iu a e nhé, e cứ là chàng bé vô tư, ứ ư : ))

  16. June 24, 2010 10:31 pm

    Anh ơi, anh vừa đáng iu mà vừa đáng xợ !!!

  17. July 16, 2010 1:45 pm

    anh “dưa” cho e xin vài entry viết vào blog e nhá
    hâm mộ a pà cố ,tiếc là e ở miền tây ,ko xem anh diễn đc
    công nhận anh “dưa” nói câu nào trúng câu đó
    cho xin vài đoạn nhá ,đc ko ???

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      July 16, 2010 2:37 pm

      được e, miễn ghi nguồn đầy đủ là ok à ; -)

  18. July 21, 2010 4:58 pm

    Anh Dưa Leo có thể giới thiệu vài bộ truyện khác mà anh đã từng đọc tương tự như “Phi Vũ Mỹ Hiệp Truyện ” ko anh. Em vừa đọc qua bộ này, rất hay!

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      July 22, 2010 1:14 am

      Khủng Lang liệt truyện, Sự tích chim yết hầu😉

  19. TozIT permalink
    September 17, 2010 10:29 pm

    Rất hay & mới lạ, mỗi tuần bạn nên thay đổi 1 phong cách nhé, chúc bạn thành công😉

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      September 19, 2010 8:35 pm

      cám ơn bạn, nhưng phong cách mà mỗi ngày mỗi đổi thì thành ca sĩ VN mất tiêu rồi : ))

  20. Maxx permalink
    October 7, 2010 4:32 am

    Làm sao có thể trở thành 1 nghệ sĩ stand up compedy đc hả anh Dưa Leo

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      October 9, 2010 11:56 am

      1 là tự học như a, 2 là học a.

  21. kyo777 permalink
    October 14, 2010 2:28 am

    em có coi 1 số clip của anh, quả thực em rất thich, hùi trc em chỉ thấy ở nc ngoài thui. bi h có ở vn nữa thì nhất định em sẽ đi xem anh diễn :X

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      October 14, 2010 3:00 pm

      đi sớm nha e, không là e sẽ…xem trễ đó : p

  22. pezz_maxx permalink
    October 19, 2010 2:38 am

    Làm sao có thể suy nghĩ được nhiều ý tưởng hài hước như thế nhể ?! Mình thích cái cách bạn diễn, tự nhiên, theo nghề này có khó khăn hay không và mình có thể học được nó ở đâu !?! Thực sự muốn theo !!!🙂

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      October 19, 2010 11:59 am

      Nếu bạn thực sự muốn học, hãy làm 1 video clip giới thiệu bản thân theo cách hài hước nhất mà bạn có thể, sau đó up lên youtube rồi gửi cho mình, rồi chúng ta sẽ quyết định tiếp😉 nói trước là học phí cho nghề này không rẻ đâu🙂

  23. pezz_maxx permalink
    October 19, 2010 11:28 pm

    Làm như thế thì thật khó ?! Sao k quyết định cho mình học lun ! Đc chứ Dưa Leo ?!

    • Dưa Leo permalink
      October 21, 2010 5:02 pm

      Bạn gửi mail tới địa chỉ giahuynf@yahoo.com các thông tin sau
      – Tên
      – Tuổi
      – Số đt

      Sau đó chúng ta sẽ tiếp tục bàn qua mail và đt ;- )

  24. Anonymous permalink
    February 26, 2012 10:19 am

    dua leo cho moi nguoi so dt di

  25. Picky Leung permalink
    March 2, 2012 4:23 pm

    cho e hỏi a Dưa Leo sinh năm mấy vậy ? Đã từng ra nước ngoài sinh sống chưa a hihi

  26. Picky Leung permalink
    March 2, 2012 6:04 pm

    e luôn tôn trọng bất cứ những ai lớn tuổi hơn mình và đặc biệt hơn là tôn trọng a Dưa Leo hihihi… e thấy a hok có chãnh khi type những dòng trả lời các câu comment của mọi người để lại… rất vui vì đc biết a qua 1 show chương trình hài đất việt >:D<

  27. Kuro permalink
    March 7, 2012 9:01 pm

    gio thi moi hieu.😄 la gi. nhin cai mat cuoi do moi phat hien. cuoi tit ca mat… xD

  28. March 14, 2012 2:18 am

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